Wren Crowe 
Billion Genders
Behold me, the pinnacle of progressive enlightenment—the model citizen of the world the left seeks to build on the wreckage of traditional society. Through careful observation of their words, policies, and Twitter tirades, I have constructed the Ideal Leftist and will strive to embody its perfection.
The World Is My Identity… Today, At Least
The first step in my journey is to reject the outdated notion of objective reality. Who I am depends entirely on my mood. Am I a man? A woman? A two-spirit gender-fluid cosmic deer? Who’s to say? Identity is an ever-changing spectrum, and you will accept whatever I say at the moment. If you hesitate, you’re a hateful bigot.
You see, I am not confined by biological facts. Science is a tool of colonial oppression, and “truth” is whatever I declare it to be. I will correct you if you misgender my cat, for she has informed me she now identifies as a pansexual socialist cloud-being. This is my lived experience, and you must affirm it—or else.
The Future is (Not) Female
Despite my unwavering commitment to feminism, I will enthusiastically support biological men dominating women’s sports. When brave women speak out about losing opportunities, I will shame them for their transphobia. After all, the true meaning of feminism is that women don’t matter anymore.
Power to the People (Who Agree With Me)
Democracy is sacred… unless the wrong people vote. If elections don’t go my way, I will demand recounts, investigations, and, if necessary, total abolition of the electoral system. After all, democracy should only serve those on the right side of history (that’s me).
Law and Order? No Thanks.
Police? Abolish them. Prisons? Empty them. Criminals? They’re victims. If a violent felon assaults someone, it’s not their fault—society made them do it. We must defund law enforcement and replace it with social workers armed with poetry and empathy. That’ll stop the next carjacking.
The Climate Crisis: Panic and Hypocrisy
I will warn you, in the most urgent terms possible, that the Earth will be uninhabitable within ten years. I will demand you give up your car, your meat, and your gas stove—while I fly private to a climate summit and enjoy a wagyu steak. But don’t question me. My moral superiority outweighs your silly concerns.
Speech is Violence, But Violence is Activism
If you express an opinion I dislike, I will call it literal violence. However, if my comrades smash windows, set cities ablaze, or physically attack political opponents, I will call it a “peaceful protest.” Free speech is sacred, unless it offends me. In that case, it must be censored.
Truth is What I Say It Is
Perhaps most importantly, as the Ideal Leftist, I must reject objective reality in favor of ideological purity. Facts? Oppressive. Logic? White supremacy. History? Needs rewriting.
I demand you accept my reality, no matter how absurd. And if you refuse, you will be deplatformed, fired, shunned, and labeled a bigot for eternity.
Now I have become Woke, destroyer of reason.
